2/26/09 Random Thoughts

I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting to achieve my goals. I'm sure that comment doesn't make much sense but I am tired of sitting on what I want and not going forward because of crap that happened in the past. I really need to get my thoughts out on this and I apologize in advance.....

I know people who ran marathons and they worked together as a family and got to the goal they wanted. I saw how it strengthened them internally and externally. I saw it as a strengthener for their relationship and something that could be done together. I wanted that for me and D. However words got twisted by others when talking to these people and OMG on how angry and upset they were. I am STILL hurt about what went down and I decided at that time forget it I don't want anything to do with it. But I do.

The way something was interpreted even though it was NOT what I saw was that because they could do it it meant that it was so easy that I could accomplish it myself. Ummmm yes there was a time in life when I felt that whatever they could do I could do but ya know what people grow up and move on and the goals you had when you were TWO to teenagerhood are not the goals you have when you're 29 which is about when this went down. People change, they grow up, they move forward in their life. I'm sorry but I saw what was being done as a positive and I wanted to do something as a positive myself with everything that was going down in our life at the time we needed something to look forward to, something to strive towards, but we stopped with that one instantly. I seriously was and am still hurt. I've reach the point though that I am sick of feeling this way, I am tired of feeling guilty for something I didn't say and I need to let it go. I know what I said and I know that they will never believe me so I need to just move on.

Why can't I try to run a marathon? I know I'm not the most in shape person at the moment but I am trying and I want to achieve this goal just to say that I can do it. I don't want to try to race or to beat peoples times I could care less about that very honestly. I want D and I to do this for ourselves. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of achieving a goal that seems impossible to me now? Is this so wrong?

Am I horrible person because I saw the joy and excitement and wanted to see if it would work for me? I don't think I am and I am tired of feeling like I have been cast in an evil position because of it. I don't know why I care so much about what they think of me it shouldn't matter but I do. I have always been so proud and excited after each of the races that have been run by these people I have gotten up early to watch timers and been worried when a chip broke or forwarding times weren't posting.

I just want to be excited for myeslf and D for once for getting to the finish line of a huge challenge. I have learned my lesson in some ways though and I haven't figured out how we will handle it when the day comes.

So there ya go I am stepping it up and I am going to start training for a 5K (baby steps). This does not and will not however forego the workouts I do with D. Those strengthen us as a couple and give us time to wind down from the day together. I hope that we can convince Roo on weekends that her stroller is a nice place to be...........

Please no comments about what went down we each have our own side and this is mine and the people I write about have no way to present theirs so it's not fair to say anything about them. If you have training tips I would love to hear them!